I'm just so uncreative with titles

Flashback for you. I took this picture in the Copenhagen airport.

It was the first sign I'd ever seen in a foreign language.

Way back when I was looking ahead to my departure from Finland I saw myself as a total wreck. We're talking fetal position, hysterical, chaining myself to the fountain in the town square kind of wreck. I don't look forward to leaving. I have regrets, but I don't regret my time here.

While I didn't make a thousand amazing friendships, or learn the language or find any particular talent everything I went through to get here was undoubtedly worth it.

There are people I know who I actually feel honoured to have met. That is an odd feeling. I didn't become close to them, but just to know there are people like the AFSers and Finns I've met is reassuring. I have a little bit more faith in humanity because of them, and I can't help but wonder what great things they could do.

I will miss living in Finland. I won't say its my home, but it will always be something terribly special to me. Biking has been really great, and my classes were fun. The forests here are different than the ones I knew and that was a major source of interest and relaxation for me. Oh, and I think it should be legally required to own a summer cottage. Seriously, the up and coming political party is the True Finns and I think I might like them more if they did something truely Finnish by declaring that all should own or be given a summer cottage. Its most likely statements like that that keep me out of politics.

In one of my much, much older posts I wrote that I wanted to hear the zipping of a suitcase. I'm starting to get that itch again. Not to return to Oklahoma but to start planning my next course of action. Being me, I never stop worrying about where I'll be two minutes down the line. I'm working on a public virtual school. It would be free and it has accredidation so I would still receive an actual diploma. By doing this I could receive a better education, and have better work hours which means more savings which means less debt when I graduate from University. I have some volunteering prospects I'm trying to line up as well and there's a place I can go horse riding nearby. Oh, and now that I think about it a writing class could be nice. My grammar is pretty so-so and I really can't remember where to put my commas. Sad, I know but in 3rd grade it didn't seem quite so important.

I leave in eight days. I'll go by train on the 27th and stay the night at the airport hotel and leave the next morning around 9:30. Most likely this will be my last post. I'd really like to add another one or two when I get back but I just don't think I'll be in the mood. Besides there really is no point in posting once my 'AFS journey' is finished. Think how long ago I started and think how far I've come. I'm honestly astounded at times, at how amazing my life is becoming. On that note I'm off to fit ten months of life into a fifty pound weight limit!

Today it the first day of summer break. I could fill this post with how I'm sad, nervous, everything. I could tell you about how when I said goodbye to my teachers I actually felt emotional about it. Furthermore I could reflect on what this year has taught me. But, nope like I said in a post so long ago I'm keeping my emotions tucked away and out of sight for the time being. It'll do me no good getting all mushy. Bad enough that I'm squishy now...seriously, I have to do the dance of shame to wiggle into my jeans. Darn Fazer!

Speaking of weight gain and shame, last week I had my country day where I talked a bit about the U.S. and Oklahoma. Pictures will now ensue....

...I got nuthin'....

I could write this post about how there's less than seven weeks separating me from the plane taking me stateside...or I could totally reject the reality of time. I'm going with that last one. So, from now on whenever a new second ticks by my goal is to be totally shocked that the last one ended so quickly. I'm not entirely sure what the purpose of this post is so I doubt you'll miss much if you skip it. Its just a really nice day and I kinda feel like chatting.

Let's see...my day's been pretty normal. The weather is wonderful and I'm having trouble remembering the times when being outside was physically painful. I rode by the park which was in full use. Children and parents, a woman with her dog, a couple of ten year olds with saggy pants and Red Bull. I bought another memory stick because my computer almost crashed from lack of space. The woes of a wannna be photographer.

I guess it'd be wrong to keep some pretty cool news from you guys (well, all like six of you anyway). I can now say I have met a bona fide author and journalist. Her name is Amanda Ripley and way back during pre-departure in NY we were told that some D.C. woman was working on a book and if we didn't mind answering questions to sign a waiver. I really didn't think much of it, but once in a while some questions would appear in my inbox. I didn't think I'd actually get to meet her though.

She's writing a book called, The Smart Kids' Club. She's going to multiple countries, she's in Poland at the moment, and interviewing pretty much everyone. She came to Finland and spoke to some pretty important people in the Finnish educational system and then she came up to Pietarsaari for a couple of days. I was given the fun of showing her around the town and talking nonstop. She came to my school and interviewed one of the teachers and tried taking pictures of students without showing their faces. I predict a lot of 'footage'....I think that is possibly the best joke I've ever made in my life. Really, it just came to me and I am now totally secure in my genuisness.

I could say I did it to help the U.S. educational system but really it was more for a free book. Her first book is, The Unthinkable. I'm almost finished and I highly recomend it. It covers some of the more technical aspects of how humans react during disasters. It focuses more on the victims and how they don't always behave the way rescuers assume they do. Being a bit of a psychology geek I'm totally hooked and her writing style is phenomenal. Her writing is intelligent but done in such a way that I can actually hear her voice reading it. I promise if the voices continue once I've finished the book I will seek help...unless I sort of agree with the voices and then we'll just take it a day at a time.

My sister, Kate, is coming very soon and I am seriously flipping my lid with excitement. Mainly because she'll be hauling quite a bit of my junk back across the Atlantic.

hjgjh

Oh, and you know you've been out of the States too long when the word BISCUIT makes you think of this:

And this just makes you

confused......

End of Stay Camp

We had our final AFS camp this weekend. It seemed like a constant switch between laughter and tears. I also received something very special. At the very first camp we wrote a letter to ourselves and at this camp they returned them. Of course none of you will ever know what I wrote but it easily had me tearing up. There were quite a few emotional projects and it felt very good to hear how others are doing. It seemed that the majority of us experienced a life altering change. When asked what mine was all I could say was, "Now, I speak." which was of course both funny and a bitter sweet truth. I wasted so much time not speaking and I realize that now. I know I missed out on a lot of good memories and relationships that I simply can't make up for. This saddens me. What I also know is that if I hadn't done this, I wouldn't be at the point I am now and might never have been. I owe these past months my voice and my smile.
If you found this somehow and are wondering about AFS (I found it through a girl's Sweden blog) then I won't say you really should do this. That's personal and as hard as it is for me to believe it may not be for everyone, and Finland might not be either. But if you're wondering if its worth the packing, the money, the stress, the tears, the confusion, the frustration, the loneliness then I feel comfortable saying yes. It is worth it. Every negative feeling will be hit upside the head by a positive one. Don't expect glamour but truth is something unavoidable here. You will begin to learn the truth about yourself, your limits, and the country you stay in. You will see what inspires others, what drives them, their motives and their dreams. There's also a good chance you'll find those things inside as well.

I know there was a time when this town was just a vague name but now I can easily call it my town. Not just the place I happen to live, but my town. The streets and shops are filled with memories. I don't know how I'll be able to leave it. No more one euro coffee at the library, no more biking to the second hand store, not having a walk through the park or strolling down the street (yes, I do stroll sometimes) and not seeing the British guy who runs Cafe Nemo and who calls me Oklahoma. It means no more trains or seagulls or motorbikes driving underneath my window at three a.m. It means my world will dissapear and I've known it since I arrived here. Well, I knew I would be leaving. I didn't know I'd be in love, or that I could feel so deeply about a place I've spent such a short time in.

Eudaimonia

Packing. I swear a tornado followed me from OK and did that....I'm much neater.....

Well, I gotta tell ya some time. Might as well be now when I'm happily running on my Tupla (awesome Finnish chocolate, for those uninformed) high. The past few weeks will undoubtedly make a couple of pretty interesting chapters when I get around to writing that book of mine. However seeing as I can't even keep a consistent journal it might be awhile. Anyways...a few weeks ago I almost had to return early. I'll explain as honestly as I can because I believe the truth is always less scary or grand than what our heads can think up.

I had some depression. Well, they called it depression. I called it that little spark that most like to name as the soul being sucked out of my body. This would happen for a period of a day or two, I'd pick up a bit or so and then sink back down. It didn't go on for an extremely long time but one hour would be enough to make anyone nearby uncomfortable. It wasn't simple sadness. It was a 100 percent lack of interest in anything. Camera? Why would I have a camera? Write? Why should I write, there just is no purpose to me trying to write. This wasn't self hate though, like I said it was just nothing.

As any person with a brain and heart would do, my host mom became worried. Bless her, this is probably too personal but I just don't think she could've been more patient, kind, and simply affectionate. Eventually though it was too much and I visited a doctor. Not a psychologist (that bit comes later) just a run of the mill doc. We spoke for roughly five to ten minutes before I was prescribed a mood lifter or 'happy pills'. We filled the prescription but after serious thought I requested that we hold off on that option for now, that I wanted to fight for me first.

Before I left the U.S. I requested that I go to speak with a psychologist to just double check. It was such an unimportant thing that I completely forgot to inform AFS but when they found out I'd been prescribed medication here from what I can tell their insurance company had a fit.

I completely understand that, of course, but when I was informed that they would be sending me back I was able to grasp all of those overused cliches instantaneously. Yes, people you really can spend over a day thinking you're having a terrible dream. I managed to pack everything I own within a two day time frame. It felt very odd though, to realize I would never set foot in this house again. As I went with my host mom for groceries, to realize I'd never again grace the aisles of Halpa-Halli. That it was over, that I'd failed. That I was going back in shame, only a few months shy of completing what is the only impressive thing I've ever done in this lifetime.

However, while that half of me was brooding and playing really cheesy, sentimental songs the stubborn kick schnecken side was formulating. I swear one side of my head was metaphorically curled up with ice cream and watching a romantic comedy and cuddling a box of Kleenex, the other side was lacing up her combat boots, swiping that black grease under her eyes and finding the latest edition of, I swear I'm mentally stable. Let me rationally convince you of this.

I spend two or three weeks in Helsinki with a couple of different families. Both were kind and supportive. Most of the time I was getting lost, walking around, taking the wrong bus, drinking coffee, almost getting hit by trams, doodling, seeing the sights and oh did I mention that I got lost every single day I was there? Well, I did.

It seemed expected of me that I'd be crying 24/7, emotionally wrecked and totally frightened of my future. Okay maybe that last one was right until we had our first meeting with the psychologist. She immediatly ruled out serious depression and declared that I was not suicidal or likely to go to self harm (which I'd adamently been telling anyone who would listen, anyway.) After that I felt assured that I would be staying. I knew from the beginning I was stable enough to finish the program, and I only needed someone with a degree to verify my claims. So I just sort of went with the flow on it. I can honestly say that despite the circumstances I had a fantastic time in Helsinki. I met some incredibly nice people, saw some neat things...and a lot of things I'll never afford at Sokos.

Now, I'm back in Pietarsaari with a new host family. My former family and I are still on very excellent terms though so no worries there. It also seems like I'll be able to continue writing for the local paper. Yay money!...coughI mean valuable writing experience....

So anyways that's what you've missed. Not quite so excited for ya'll maybe but boy did it stir things up over here.

I will be organized this time......right......

Nixon, Piercings, and Geeks, Oh My!

Hey ya'll! A week or two ago (who can keep track?) I went to Helsinki to spend some time with another American. In all honesty she's given me the greatest culture shock. Perhaps it isn't so surprising considering that its Oklahoma and Massachusetts. I think she's what the ultra conservatives warn little children about before they can vote...Anyway I'm not here to start talking politics (like I'd know how anyway).

I was introduced to my first opera, Nixon in China, and only giggled at the opening lines. I'm sorry but I just was caught offguard to hear a vibrato "How was your fliiiiiiight?" Considering that I know squat about music, theater, and Mao I still had a really great time. She was right however in pointing out that by decades we were the youngest there....and I think also the only one with cookies and popcorn.

Then we were walking around the theatre and found a free culture museum. The best part is that I've finally found someone else willing to just stand there and actually read the descriptions and information.

Also, this trip had another purpose which was to introduce me to two shows I was a bit reluctant to watch - Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Dr. Who. It may have been the exhaustion, or the cheap processed foods but somehow I ended up really enjoying both. I think it may take a certain amount of motivation to start watching Dr. Who though, especially when an episode is prefaced with, Okay this is the one with Van Gogh and the giant invisible chicken.

We also went to the zoo and arrived in time to see the tigers feeding. Sadly, no red pandas made an appearance though.

Oh and I took the plunge and got the helix piercing that I've been wanting for quite a while. I pretty much made an idiot of myself because it is cartilage so I just assumed it would hurt like the Dickens (what does that saying mean anyway?!). I asked if I could hold the pillow and would ask Emma for encouragement, "What do I get after?" "Ben and Jerry's!". Then when the woman asked if I wanted to see the needle I felt my eyes widen and sat there for about three seconds...."I'll show you when its over."

Here's the embarrasing part - it didn't hurt in the least. Did it feel good? Well, no but it wasn't really what I would call painful and it took less than two seconds. I was dissapointed in a way because I was really trying hard to be brave and that was it? A little bit of blood and that was it? I still got my ice cream though, with sprinkles. I figure that just because bravory wasn't required I was still prepared to be brave and that in itself was worthy of ice cream.

Our final portion of the trip was Kiasma. It was my first modern art museum and I'll just be honest and say I did not get it...



Of course, now my helix swollen and I'm going to the doctor in a few hours to see if its in infected...well, atleast I had my ice cream.

Also blogger is being difficult so as soon as it lets me add photos of course I will.

Mid-Stay

We had our Mid-Stay camp this weekend. I absolutely love having activities by AFS, and not just because the events themselves kick schnecken but also it turns out that I love being on trains and buses. I just get this great little spark in my soul when I snuggle into a bus seat or take my coat off in a train. I don't know where it comes from but it just gives me this great feeling of hope. I can go anywhere, step off at any station, wander down any street....and then have my host mom freak out and call the police thus setting off a nationwide search for a lost brown haired American girl about 5'5"......well, you get the idea. That isn't really my thought process, its just how I feel deep inside when I have the quiet moments that a bus ride gives. Anyway, you don't really wanna hear me talk. What you really want is to see me in physical pain and so ladies and gentlemen (like any of those would read this) I give you.......

AVANTO!!!

You know when you have to wear wool socks with your swimsuit something is seriously wrong...